April Winchell

It’s That Time Again!

Happy Holidays!

If you’re here, and you are because otherwise why would you be reading this, you have made an exciting discovery: aprilwinchell.com is coming back! And not only is the old blog coming back, I’m also putting up the Regretsy archives, so you can see what you thought was funny ten years ago! And boy, were you wrong.

And if that’s not enough, and it never is with you people, I’m also linking my newest pathetic endeavor, just so you can have something to do between panic attacks. Isn’t that fucking great?

Oh, but there’s more! It’s the holidays, and you know what that means: my extensive library of hideous holiday music is now available for anyone who can stand it! Track after track of the most insufferable, self indulgent offal imaginable. Honestly, this whole collection is just a Gordian knot of Christmas misery. Orphans, impoverished families, grown adults singing like lisping children, and grade Z celebrities plodding through maudlin, treacly poems about dying children. Like Mariah Carey after Thanksgiving, it just never lets up.

So go ahead and torture yourself with these tracks while I get the site finished up and ready to go. You might even make this the playlist for your holiday dinner! I guarantee your evening with the family will be at least 30% shorter than usual. You can thank me later.

SEASONAL FAVORITES

Rudolph (The Five Petals)
Bethlehem Rap (Crew-X)
Blue Christmas (Porky Pig)
Christmas Seals Campaign (Jack Klugman)
Christmas Seals Campaign (Barbara Feldon)
Rocking Disco Santa (American Song Poem Archives)
If Bette Davis sang Feliz Navidad (Jimmy James) Web site here
R2D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas (Star Wars TV Special)
Carol of the Bells (Laffy)
Bubble Tub (Carrie Lanza)
Hark, the Herald Angels Sing (Chinese Children’s Choir)
I Was Santa Claus at the School House for the PTA (Yogi Yorgesson)
I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas (Yogi Yorgesson)
Let it Snow (8 Bit) Made from sampled video game sound effects
An Orphan Christmas (Claire Lane)
12 Days of Christmas (Fay McKay)
Sleigh Ride (Dangerwoman)
Sleigh Ride (Jim Nabors)
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy (Portsmouth Sinfonia)
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy (Shirim) Klezmer Nutcracker
Dominic the Christmas Donkey (Lou Monte)
Donde Esta Santa Claus (Charo)
Santa Claus, Will You Please Come Tonight? (Doug Lewis)
Little Drummer Boy (Marlene Dietrich)
Little Drummer Boy (The Bomboras)
Frosty the Snowman (Swedish)
Frosty the Snowman (The Brady Bunch)
Frosty the Snowman (Tuba version)
Hip Hop Frosty (DJ Laz)
Walking Talking Christmas Tree (Gene London)
Merry Christmas (Gordon Thomas)
Hannukah in Santa Monica (Tom Lehrer)
Auld Lang Syne (Jimi Hendrix)
Homo Christmas (Pansy Division)
Deck the Halls (William Hung)
Come All Ye Faithful (Inpatient Music Therapy Program)
A Reminder from the Post Office (Jack Webb)
Jingle Cats
Jingle Chicken
Christmas Without Daddy (Joe Walega and His Happy Hearts)
Joy to the World (Wing)
Sally Kellerman butchers a Christmas Carol
Hang Your Balls on My Christmas Tree (Kay Martin)
Night Before Christmas (Jay Leno)
The Christmas Dolly (Little Betty Ashley and J.W. Thompson)
Little Mary Christmas (Roger Christian)
Happy Birthday, Jesus (Major Bill Smith and Nancy Nolte)
Away in a Manger (Whistled by Fred Lowery)
Mele Kalikimaka (Davey Jones)
Merry Christmas, Neighbor (Cast of Bonanza)
Messiah (Unknown)
Debbie’s Last Christmas (Nancy La Plante)
The world’s worst version of Oh Holy Night (Hand to Hand)
The Restroom Door Said “Gentlemen” (Bob Rivers)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Donald Trump and Regis Philbin)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Sonovox)
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (William Hung)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Tiny Tim)
Santa 9-11 (Unknown) Merry fucking Christmas
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (The Brady Bunch)
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (Wing)
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (John Davidson)
Santa Face is Bringing Me a Budgie (Freddy Davis)
Santa Wants Lovin’ (Albert Collins)
Silent Night (Dickies)
Silent Night (Eilert Pilarm)
Come All Ye Faithful (Slim Spincter) And you can buy a whole CD of this over here
Silver Bells (Steve Martin and Paul Simon) Taped during an SNL rehearsal in the 70’s (never aired)
Stick ‘Em Up, Santa (Bobby Salvatore)
A Christmas moment with Sally Struthers
Jingle Bells (Tammy Faye)
Jingle Bells (Wing)
Tastee Christmas (Unknown) Make sure the cat is outside
Christmas Cookies and Holiday Hearts (The Caroleer Singers)
Three Letters For Christmas (Walter Brennan)
The Christmas Party (Yogi Yorgesson)
Three Kings Rap (Crew-X)
All Are Waiting for Christmas (Tommy Christy)
Two Front Teeth (Unknown)
Yingle Bells (Yogi Yorgesson)
Here Comes Santa Claus in Black (Voicedude)
Jingle Bell Hustle (Wayne Newton)
What’s It To Ya Chorus (Bob Rivers)

AND FOR THE JEWS…

I realize that I’m only half Jewish, but that doesn’t mean I’m not busy trying to control the media. In fact, it’s an even bigger job for someone like me, seeing as my mother is Italian. I hardly have time to wax my mustache, much less run the New York Times.

But I’m taking a break from all that so I can bring you some extra special Jew music! Play these tracks as you light the menorah, and secretly wish you were gentile because Santa is just so much more kick ass than praying for 8 days.

We have a little bit of everything here for you; from a surfer cover of Shalom Alechem, to selections from the Klezmer Nutcracker. It’s a stunning blend of traditional Ashkenazi dance music, and the fevered Christmas dream of everyone’s favorite Russian closet case. An arranged match made in heaven!

As we used to say in my house, “Yes, Yoninah, there is a Sanson Claus!”

And then we’d pass the ham.

Sugar Plum Fairy (Klezmer Nutcracker)
Trepak (Klezmer Nutcracker)
Shalom Alechem (Meshugga Beach Party)
Afikomen Mambo (Rabbi Joe Black)
Crazy Jew Rap (Eric Schwartz)
Far From the Home I Love (The Barry Sisters) This is just so wrong
Hava Nagila (Johnny Puleo and his Harmonica Gang)
How Much is that Pickle in the Window? (Mickey Katz)
Knish Doctor (Mickey Katz)
Kosher Disco (Benny Bell)
Matzoh Ball Soup (Slim Gaillard)
Pincus the Peddler (Benny Bell)
Satisfaction (Sam Chalpin) So bad it’s bad
Stayin’ Inside (2 Live Jews)
The Muppets Theme (Hebrew)
Matzoh Number 5 (Lou Bagel)
Get Your Dreidel On (Pudie Tadow)